Silly Me

I had a dream the other night that I was the commander of a Navy fleet. There was a submarine that we were trying to get to our area so we could get these bombs or missiles off and use them. So we were trying to keep it from being sunk (Tony says subs are supposed to sink and duh, but I meant sunk to the bottom of the ocean and not coming back up sunk). We got the sub to where it needed to be and I made a destroyer go pick up the bombs or whatever they were. The end.

When I woke up Tony told me he had a weird dream. He said he was lactating. And breastfeeding. I asked him if he had big boobs too. He said he didn’t and he just did it with his normal man nipples.

I wonder if we intercepted each other’s dreams? Or maybe it was like “A Day in the Life of…”. Either way totally weird. And awesome since I can say “My husband dreamt he was lactating.” which is possibly the funniest sentence ever. Go ahead. Say it.

We are much better today. Woke up smiling. Hooray. Also, Tony’s working through lunch to come home early. He is awesome. Except at 4:30am. Don’t even try talking to him then.

Eliana had her very first bath in a real tub last night. I expected what ever new mom expects (a screaming, kicking, purple-faced, pissed off baby). I did not get that. She fussed for 2 second as though she was saying “This is new, I don’t like new”. Then she was fine. I think she was just confused most of the time. By the time we were pretty much finished I think she decided she didn’t like it. That’s when the yelling, screaming, purple-faced-ness started.

Eliana: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (hatethissomuchgetmeoutofhere!!!)

Me: Ha! You’re too late cuz we’re done and that crying won’t work on me! (sogladwe’redonethatwouldhavetotallyworkedonme)

And yeah, I blurred out her girly parts. But I don’t want to get arrested for child porn or something. I think I watch too much TV.

Then we got her all dry and lotioned up with the clean diaper and clothes. I fed her and then Tony cuddled her and then zonk. She was OUT. Baths are my new best friends. She slept for 5 hours. I’ll take it. Then she woke up, got changed, ate and slept for another 4 hours. Hooray!

And then she woke up smiling. Have I mentioned being a mommy kicks ass? It so does.

This will not be one of those posts I think fondly of. It’s the first one that won’t be happy/funny/normal. We had a bad night.

Ok, really, it wasn’t a bad night. It was a bad moment. And I hope I never have one like that again.

I get now what people must be feeling when they lose it. I can’t say I understand exactly why it happens. I’m sure the trigger is different in every situation. And maybe sometimes there isn’t even a trigger.

I want to add here that nothing bad happened. Eliana is fine. I’m fine. No one was ever in any danger of being not fine. I never yelled or shook her or even held her too tight. She wouldn’t sleep for more then 10 minutes. And it was 4 in the morning. I got frustrated and told her to shut up. I didn’t yell it or anything. After I said it I felt bad. I put her down and took a minute to process.

This morning I didn’t feel bad about it. I thought I’d feel guilty, but I don’t. I think it’s because I can’t believe it was ME. It seems like that was some different person.

I wish Tony had been here. I’m grateful nothing bad did happen. I never thought I’d be capable of any kind of mean-ness towards my child. I’m glad Tony’s on his way home. I’m glad I’ll have someone to rely on when I get frustrated. I’m also glad I was alone with her. I’m glad she didn’t sleep well and I’m glad I got to feel frustrated. I’m glad I know what it feels like to almost lose it. I’m glad I was able to prove to myself I can handle being alone with her.

We’ll be ok now.

Don’t mind the baby talk. But, you know, she IS a baby.

Today is my birthday. I am 27. I went out to lunch with a friend and told the waiters/ess that I was 19. I’m sure they believed me.

I’d like to say that today is special and filled with presents and well-wishes and perhaps a party, but it’s not. MyTony’s in VA. I did get a balloon from the lunch friend. That’s pretty much it. I’m ok though. It’s Tuesday. Who has a party on a Tuesday?

I have big, important news. We’ve gone wireless!! Eliana’s stupid, ugly, cockroach-looking cord FINALLY fell off last night. Of course MyTony missed it, but I put it in a zip-lock bag for him to see. No, I am not saving it. That’s gross. And if you saved your kid’s cord, then you’re gross too. Cuz eww. MyTony will come home and look at it and then we can throw it away.

And bath time! I’m saving the first bath for when MyTony gets home. I don’t think he should miss it and someone’s gotta take pictures. I figure she lived 5 weeks without a bath, another couple of days won’t hurt her. And then you all can have cute-nekkid baby pictures. But until then:

For those of you that don’t know, Tony’s in the Navy. He has been for 6 years now (ok, almost 7 if you count that almost year of enlisted time in the beginning, but that was pre-me, so I don’t count it.) (well, I count it since it makes the pay an itty-ish bit better). Anyway, we’re on shore duty right now. It’s our first one. It is awesome. No deployments, no missing the baby’s birth and all the other day-to-day stuff. Love it.

But he had to go to a conference in Norfolk, VA. He left this morning. He’ll be back on Thursday. Am sad. This is the first time I will be alone with the baby for more than just a normal work day (which is not even 8 hours cuz shore duty kicks ass). I’m really not worried about the 4 days he’ll be gone. It’s the 3 nights that terrify me. Eliana, like most babies, is fussy at night. It saves my sanity to hand her off to Tony for a few minutes to compose myself. Even if I don’t do it, I like having the option. My option is on a plane right now. Dammit.

Also, I don’t sleep so good when he’s not here. It was never a big thing before since I could stay up all night and sleep all day, but now there is baby. We don’t have a strict schedule or anything, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t work out or even be a good idea to change it all up this time. I’ll have to suffer through. Hopefully I’ll be so tired from whatever it is I do that I’ll be able to fall asleep at night like normal people. Please please.

Now for scrunchy baby-ness. I ordered some Babylegs. Got them in the mail today. I seriously wanted to wake Eliana up just to put them on her, but I didn’t. (I value the quiet so much more than I did pre-parenthood.) I even changed her diaper and fed her before putting them on her. It’s all about priorities. Here ya go. Have a cute-fix you baby addicts.

I have a couple things to blog about. One is pretty easy to believe because everyone knows someone it happened to. The other is just plain weird. And both are true. Feel free to laugh, as it’s one of my goals.

Tony and I had a few errands (shopping) to do on Saturday. As we were walking into the mall, I got slapped. On the cheek. By a huge ass bug. It had to have been at least the size of a golf ball. Maybe a baseball. It hit me so hard my earring fell off. Not a clip on. I lost the back to it. And my sunglasses fell off. And it hurt like a son-of-a-monkey. I had to make Tony check to see if I was bleeding or bruised. I wasn’t. But it felt like I should have been. Sentence fragments rock. Just so you know.

I was having a nice mother-daughter moment with the smushy baby this afternoon. She was sitting on my lap all cute like. I heard her poop. Not a big thing since she’s a baby and that’s what they do. And this girl is good at it. Long and loud and gross. I waited a few minutes to make sure she was done. I laid her on the changing pad (on the coffee table right in front of me so I don’t have to get up am lazy) when I felt something wet on my arm. Poop. On me. Also on her dress. Tony got a new outfit for her. I looked down and poop. On my tank top (boob area). Felt cold on my thigh. Looked down and poop. On the bottom of my tank top going through it and my pants to my thigh. Gross. Not as gross as if it were someone else’s kid, but still. I stripped down in the living room, finished changing her and took a shower.

Being a mom is so cool. And nasty. Fun stuff.

So, for those of you paying attention, we were supposed to have bad weather. Tony didn’t even have to go to work. So that’s why I missed a day. An unexpected bonus family day in the middle of the week! Shock! So we did errands because we are so cool like that. Lots of errands. Like all day with the baby. (Who, btw, is 1 month old today!! As opposed to the 4 weeks old she was 2 days ago and yes, there is a difference) And it went great! She cried maybe twice just long enough to let me know it was time to eat. And as long as we left whever we were IMMEDIATELY everything was fine. I did have to explain to Tony 3 times what IMMEDIATELY meant. He thinks babies should be patient and understanding that he must finish looking through the clearance bin at the bookstore for the book he won’t even read for at least 2 months. (That may have been the longest sentence ever) Umm…what was I talking about? Right, baby, got it. We changed her in bathrooms and the back of the car (ok, SUV, so lots of changing room) and fed her wherever we were. I have no problem breastfeeding in public as long as I’m not in the middle of everything and Tony holds the blanket so no one can see until I get her latched on cuz I don’t need all of Walmart staring at my boob. The baby slept all day long. Quietly. I’m telling you, people were jealous. She kicks ass so much.

I was at Target looking for burp cloths and this woman stopped to admire the squishiness of Eliana. I, of course, had to gush over her 4 month old little girl (who was so cute, btw and SMILED!..Can’t wait till mine does that more often).

I’m good with gushing over other people’s babies. I think I’m pretty convincing even if I don’t mean it (but this time I totally meant it cuz SO CUTE). And I’m pretty good about accepting the whole “look how cute and tiny your baby is blah blah blah”. It doesn’t even bother me when they ask if it’s a boy or a girl. I don’t blame them since I have a habit of only putting the pink stuff on her at home and saving the yellow and green when we take her out in public. I like to confuse people, and what’s more fun than the gender-guessing game? And they always think she’s a boy. What’s up with that?

Anyways, so this woman is talking to me about baby stuff and sleeping through the night, blah blah blah…you know, normal new mommy things. And it’s nice. She gets it. Only, not, since she’s a single mom and I have a Tony who helps so so much. So she’s got it 100 times harder than me. And also, my baby sleeps through the night (mostly) and hers at 4 months old still doesn’t. I’m way lucky and I know it. So we’re talking and Tony’s getting bored, so I’m trying to figure out a graceful way to end the conversation. I am not good at this. I tend to just find some shiny toy and say “Ooh pretty!” and walk away. I really shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people. This is why I have so few friends. What I really hate is that I could totally have hung out with this woman. We could have meshed. I could have made my first mom friend that I didn’t know before I was a mom. But I am a social screw-up. Bah.

The End.

We have reached a growth spurt. I think. I don’t really know since I’m still new and so half of what I sound so sure of is just made up in my own head. But she eat ALL THE TIME and only sleeps for 5 minutes (yes, I’m exaggerating because if I told you the truth you’d tell me to shut up and be grateful and I AM so bite me I’m tired) at a time. I’ve been trying to compile a list called “Crap that makes the baby go to sleep so mommy can have a damn minute to pee”. So far it’s a short, but useful, list. Here it is.

1. Boob sedative
2. Laying on my chest and drooling
3. Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” played really really loud while swaying in the desk chair and singing in her ear.

The only sure thing is #3. It may not keep her sleeping for long, but as soon as he starts singing, she’s quiet and by the end of the song, she’s out. I love him. Shall buy him flowers. Shall.