MIA
My sister and 5 year old who looks like a 10 year old nephew are here visiting for the next couple of weeks. I’ll be around even less than I was before (if that’s at all possible with my lack of posting lately). We have big plans to play! and swim! and sleep! Two weeks is an awful long time and I know by the end I will be so ready for the visit to end. Until she gets on the plane. Then I’ll cry.
I’ll still be reading as much as I can and I may even toss out a blog or 2. See ya later!!
What would you do?
I have a little dilemma. I keep going back and forth about it and I’m no closer to a decision than when I started. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to ask for advice before, but here goes.
Remember the whole stress situation? Well, there have been some new developments and I need to make a choice. Tony is definitely going to NY in September. We’re also definitely going to Oregon in October. My youngest sis is definitely getting married in September. She’s also having a baby in December.
We have several trips planed for the next few months. So I can either fly with Eliana (by myself) to Oregon (with Eliana) in September (I’m terrified) to see baby sis get married ~or~ I can go visit her in February after she has the baby. I can’t do both. Since Tony, baby sis, and baby sis’ future husband are ALL in the navy, there is very little chance we’ll get to see each other for a long time. Everyone gets stationed all over.
On one hand, she’s only going to get married once in her life (hopefully). On the other, I would like to meet my niece or nephew before they turn 10. I might be exaggerating, but not by much. Having done the whole wedding/baby thing, I would personally have wanted to show off my new baby than have someone else at my wedding. But I have hindsight on my side. She doesn’t. I have talked to her about it and she said she didn’t care either way and she wouldn’t be upset no matter what I decide, but I sorta got the feeling that she wants me at the wedding.
Also, I DO NOT want to be the only parent there for Eliana’s first plane ride. I would have to wrangle the luggage, carry-on, stroller (to be gate checked), convertible car seat (to be checked), and the pack-n-play by myself. Not to mention the squirmy, put-me-down-no-pick-me-back-up baby. This does not sound fun. I would prefer to do the 2 parent thing, at least the first time.
I really would rather wait and just go see her after she has the baby, but I know I’ll feel left out and guilty about missing her wedding. I always miss her stuff. It’s never intentional, but life happens. Hers was the only graduation I missed. I made it to both my other sister’s AND one of their college graduations. I think she resents me for it, at least a little bit. And I always feel left out of family things since we never live close to family anymore. And there’s the whole thing about how I know she wants me there. The guilt runs deep.
So what do I do?
Six years and counting
Six years ago today yesterday, I was a ball of floating nervous butterflies. I was about to marry someone I had known less than a year. Not even dated less than a year, but KNOWN less than a year. We had met 11 months prior. But I never had any doubts. Well, that’s not true. I never had any doubts about our relationship. I did, however, have doubts about Tony showing up that day.
He was late. Not late late, the wedding wasn’t due to start for an hour or so, but later than he was supposed to be. I was already nervous and I really wanted him to reassure me. I wanted him to tell me that I would be fine and I wasn’t going to throw up. I wanted a hug. I finally saw him, dressed in his dress white uniform. He didn’t see me, and I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him yet, but I watched. Just seeing him made me feel so much better. I was still nervous, but better.
My dads walked me down the aisle (step and bio). Tony wouldn’t even look at me. In fact, I think he spent the entire ceremony staring at my feet. I asked him later why he wouldn’t look into my eyes and he said it was because I looked so beautiful that it made him nervous and he was afraid he’d throw up. I couldn’t even say my vows. When the minister said “Repeat after me”, all I could manage was a whisper. It was comforting to know someone felt the same.
No one thought we’d make it past a year. I can’t say that I blame them. We really hadn’t known each other long. And if someone told me they were going to get married after such a short time, I might tell them to make sure to think it through. Marriage is hard. Harder than you think it’s going to be. I’m proud that we’ve lasted this long. I hope we manage to keep lasting.
This year we decided to skip the gifts. Honestly, I can’t tell you what I got last year and neither can Tony. Obviously the gifts aren’t that important. We decided to spend the day together. No presents, no cards. Just us. We went horseback riding on the beach, something I’ve been wanting to do for years. It was so much fun and I can’t wait to do it again (in the fall, when it’s cooler, with less bugs and less people). (Also, they put me on the hugest horse I have ever seen in my entire life. I can’t decide if it’s because I’m so fat that that’s the only horse that could carry me, or if it’s cuz I was the shortest person there and they wanted to make sure I could see everything.) (And they put Tony on the smallest horse.)
Then we went to the mall to change out of our horsey smelling clothes. I know we’re boring, but we spent some time shopping for Eliana. Just a few clothes that she’ll need this summer. Even when we’re away from her, she’s with us. After that we went to a frozen custard place to spoil our dinner. It was so yummy. Then it was off to buy toys for Eliana. I’m telling you, we suck at this dating thing.
Then we went to this super good Japanese restaurant for dinner. We took the time to sit at the grill and watch the onion volcano. We spent the entire meal not talking. That probably sounds bad, but it’s not. We talked all day. And we talk all the time. Communication has never been our problem. Also, we were hungry and far too busy eating. It was nice to enjoy the quiet and not worry about keeping a baby entertained. Who knows when we’ll get the chance again. We had planned to catch a movie, but decided to pick up our baby and go home. It was really a great day. I’m fairly certain I’ll remember this next year.
I know a lot of people who can express the way they feel about someone so eloquently. I don’t think I’m one of them. I know “love” seems so insufficient to describe the way I feel. I know I could live without him, but I don’t want to. I choose him every day. I choose him on the days he makes me cry and I choose him on the days he makes me watch to punch him in the nose. (Also, I have so far chosen to NOT punch him in the nose.) Marriage is a lot of work and everyday I choose to do the work. I choose to because it’s worth it. He’s worth it. He always makes me feel like I’m worth it. We’ve come so far in the last six years. We’ve changed so much together. I can’t wait to see how our life will change and grow in the next six years…and counting.
10 months old
Eliana turned 10 months old today yesterday. That’s the double digits of months. She’s almost a grown-up. I don’t have height/weight stats since she won’t have an appt until 12 months, but she’s uh..huge. I think she’s taller. She looks like such a GIRL.
Look! She barely fits in the picture. Her legs are hanging off the chair. Yes, I do see that she’s all slumped down, but still! She is an amazon baby.
We’re working on a lot of development stuff. Well, I should say I’m working on it. She has no time. Far, far too busy playing and crawling and oh by the way, did I mention she started walking? Sorta. She took 5 steps in a row, so I call it walking. Except she’s not all that interested in doing it for the camera. Or when I want her to. She’s so much faster at crawling and I’ve noticed once she learns a new trick, it takes her a while to do it consistently. She doesn’t like to leave her comfort zone. She’s all, “oh, I was just trying it out, but I’m done now la la la”. Also, how kick ass does it sound to say “My baby started walking at 9 months”? Very.
She, however, has absolutely no interest in clapping. It doesn’t matter how many time I sing “If you’re happy and you know it” or “Patty-cake”. She will. not. clap. She’s very interested when I clap. And she’ll let me clap her hands together and she even opens her palms. But nothing from her yet. I’m hoping that now that she’s hit the big physical milestones, we’ll start working on the rest.
She’s still not a consistent waver, but she did wave at random old lady at grocery store yesterday. It’s progress. We make sure to do a big “wave bye-bye to Daddy!” thing every morning. She never does it. But random grocery store lady? Gotta wave at her. Whatever. She’s doing it.
We bought her this little plastic car with the long push handle. She loves it and looks so darn cute in it. Our walkway is sloped, so Tony stood at one end and just let her go. I stopped her at the other end. She couldn’t get enough of it. Also, easiest playtime ever.
She also got a swing and after much trial, error, and cursing, Tony finally got the thing put up. She’s always been a fan of the swing. It’s nice to be able to sit there and not have to worry about her getting into to everything while keeping her entertained. She loves looking at the trees and watching the birds. It’s probably the only time she’s calm and not going all over the place.
She loves playing by the windows and looking outside. We have low windows in the living room and she plays there all the time. She also crawls over to the sliding glass door and stands there looking out. It actually breathed new life into the jumperoo. She’s happy to sit there bouncing away as long as she can look outside.
The only sucky things are the not drinking her bottles and the fact that she sometimes wakes up at night and wants to play. I have no idea what that’s about, but it’s not too terrible. At least she’s nice enough to do her waking before we go to bed instead of after. It also takes her FOREVER to fall asleep. I’m thinking it must be a phase and I hope it is. The bottle thing gets me most of all. I’ve mentioned a few times how SUCKY it is to have a baby that WILL. NOT. EAT!!! It seems she goes through spurts. She’ll eat great for a couple of weeks, just long enough for me to get comfortable and relaxed. Then she’ll start not eating. And at first I roll with it, but after a couple of weeks of the NOT EATING, I lose my mind and panic and stress. It so much sucks. That’s where we are now. The suck. I will be so happy when she’s on all solids, all the time. I can get her to eat solids. Most of the time.
Speaking of which, she’s started shaking her head “no”. It is so friggin’ adorable. I assume it won’t always be, so I’d better think it’s cute while I can. She mostly does it when I’m feeding her. She’ll say “no” and I’ll nod my head “yes”. It’s almost like a game. A game that I usually win. Unless she’s done eating for real. Then I lose. The video below shows her “no”, but it’s just in the beginning. You really don’t have to watch the whole thing. But you do need to see the head shaking.
Cute, huh.
For comparison sake, 9 months and 10 months with the bear.
Notice how the bear looks huge in the first pic and notsomuch in the second. And don’t mind her hair. We had been out shopping all day and the pic was taken just before bath time and bedtime and we were all tired.
I know this one is late, but we are way busy today. And yesterday. And today is my anniversary. I’ll have a smushy lovey-dovey post up later. Maybe tomorrow. Cuz I’m busy today. Eliana is staying with a sitter all day. I haven’t been away from her since before last Christmas. This is weird for me. I’ll let you know how I do.
I need a drink
I am so stressed out and I need to “think out loud”, so this might be all jumbled. And it’s all Tony’s fault. If he would just do what I ask him to do when I ask him to do it, everything would be fine.
Tony has to take a few classes in New York for his Master’s. He’s known about this for months. He was told there were 3 weeks of classes, but found out today that it’s 4 weeks. Not a huge thing, really. Except the ONLY time the classes are offered this year is September. We’re not going to be here. We already bought our tickets to visit family. My youngest sister is probably going to get married while we’re there. The tickets are non-refundable. Needless to say (except I’m going to say it and then harp on it for an ENTIRE post), this totally craps on our plans.
There are a couple of options. Two of the classes start in the middle of September. He could take the 2 later classes and then hope they offer the set again before we’re due to leave here (June 2009). The problem is that this year the only time they offer the classes is September. As in, they weren’t offered at any other time. So if they decide to do that again, we’re screwed. He NEEDS these classes before he can finish his Masters.
He could ask to be extended by 6 months. Then we wouldn’t be due to leave until December 2009 and that would give him more time to schedule it out. Except we have a trip to GA planned in June and then the one in September, so he would have to get approved for leave and HOPE he gets it. He probably would, but there’s still the possibility that it could be denied. And if we get extended there’s a chance he could be snagged for an IA (Individual Augmentation, which is basically being sent to Iraq or Afghanistan to work with the Army since they don’t have enough people right now. This would also be a last minute, you’ve got 2 weeks notice, pack your bags, see you in 6 months kinda thing which SUCKS.) It’s not likely because it would completely screw with his department head school schedule which apparently is bad or something. I have no idea. But it’s possible.
The only way this all works out perfectly is if they offer the classes in the early part of 2009. Then he could take 2 classes now and 2 classes then and not get extended and everything is happy shiny la la la. But the way I see it, that’s not likely. If it was only offered ONCE in 2008 and that was in September, what are the chances it’ll be offered within 7 months of that class? Slim. Very slim.
The reason all of this is Tony’s fault is because for MONTHS I have been telling him to call and find out when the classes were offered. MONTHS I tell you! He knew we were planning a bunch of trips. But he waited. If he had called when I asked him to, we wouldn’t have scheduled and bought tickets for the trip in September. But it’s too late now.
And I am so stressed.
Eliana Tuesday #8
9 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days old
Having a sippy drink and reading a book
Tony finally got around to putting up the swing she’s had for almost a month. I think she likes it.
Mother’s Day recap
Well, first of all, Happy Mother’s Day (a little late) to all you mommies! This was my very first Mother’s Day with Eliana outside my belly.
I had a great Mother’s Day. Tony said Happy Mother’s Day twice and I got a card from him and one from Eliana. I also got a sewing machine! I know that might not sound like a great Mother’s Day gift, but it is. I’ve been wanting one for months. Now I just need to learn to sew. Tony even said he’d take a class with me. He’s awesome.
My Mother’s Day requests were simple. I wanted to sleep in, I wanted to NOT cook, and I wanted to NOT change any diapers. I got almost everything. I did have to change 1 diaper, but it wasn’t Tony’s fault. TGIF’s doesn’t have a changing table in the men’s room.
(What kinda crap is that? What about single fathers? Or mommies that just don’t want to change a diaper? Is that solely my responsibility in public forever and ever or until potty training is complete? That sucks.)
But they did give us free dessert which was really nice since I spilled my very full glass of tea all over the table and the floor before the food even arrived. And it wasn’t the baby’s fault. Good thing Tony’s a good tipper.
I also wanted to take Eliana to the park, but it was pretty windy. When it finally died down, Tony decided to mow the backyard. By the time I realized that’s what he was doing, it was too late to stop him. It always takes him FOREVER because he is so perfectionisty and INSANE. It was almost her bedtime when he was done, so we didn’t even take our evening walk. I was really disappointed and I may have acted like a big baby about it. But because of his CRAZY need for lawn maintenance, we also couldn’t go out to dinner like we’d planned. Eliana had gone to bed late the night before and I didn’t want to make it 2 nights in a row.
So I made him go pick up chinese (am I supposed to capitalize it if I’m talking about food?) from this new place that just opened up. It was pretty good. We tried to watch Finding Neverland, but I just could not get into it. So we watched Apocalypto instead. Then I spent far too long reading this, and before I knew it, it was 2am. Lemme tell ya, 6:30 SUCKS when you go to bed at 2am. Just sayin’.
All in all, good Mother’s Day. So tell me, how was your Mother’s Day?
Too PC
My online self has no balls.
I suck. I have all of these opinions and beliefs about so many different things that I don’t share on here. I never talk about politics, religion, or ANYTHING that might possibly make someone disagree with me. I worry far too much about what a handful of readers think. And I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t.
I’m not like this in real life. If I don’t like something, I say it. I’m not afraid to say what I think or feel. So why do I censor myself so much on here. This should be the place that I can rant and rave and cuss and bitch. I should be able to open up about anything I feel strongly about. I should be able to talk about issues I think are important. It should be easier here. But it’s not.
I put too much stock into comments. If someone doesn’t comment for a while, I wonder, what if I bored them and they stopped reading? What if I said something they don’t agree with? What if they don’t like me anymore?
Oh the horrors!
If I get a comment that I don’t agree with I obsess over it for DAYS. Why do I do this? Why is my internet self so insecure? Why do I need validation and approval? What is wrong with me?
I never allow myself to have an opinion online. If I don’t agree with someone, even if I think (fill in the blank) is the worst thing ever, I ALWAYS try to see the other side. I’m constantly playing devils advocate instead of just owning up to what I think.
I don’t believe it’s right to judge. (Even though I sometimes judge.) But I take the fear of judging to a whole crazy level. Sometimes, people suck. Sometimes people make shitty decisions. Why can’t I say that? Why is it impossible for me to say, “I read an article about this person and I think what they did was wrong and they are a bad person.” Instead I say, “Well maybe it’s not their fault. Maybe x, y, z and blah blah blah, justify, justify, justify.”
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to hide part of myself so I will be liked.
(Even though I totally want to be liked, so please like me!)
So I’m going to try to be better about sharing my opinions and being myself on here. If I can’t do it on my blog, where can I? I need to work on getting me some of that thick skin. I need to NOT care what people think. I need to trust that I can get my point across and have a different point of view about things and maybe people won’t write me off. Maybe I can have my own beliefs and still be liked?
Guess we’ll find out.
Eliana Tuesday #7
This week I think I’m doing the night time stuff. I had a bunch on the camera, so I’d better use them.
All wet
Bath time is great!
I get to eat toys!
Getting dried off
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
