Silly Me

I’ve been going back and forth for a while now, trying to decide if I want to start talking about It.  

On one hand, people have some opinions and I have thin skin.  I get so affected by it all and I don’t know if I want to open myself up to that kind of stuff while I’m already going through something stressful.  

On the other hand, it’s my blog.  I should be able to chat, vent, happy dance, scream, etc etc etc as much as I want.  And I definitely don’t want to talk about it a lot with people in the real world (as opposed to the imaginary blog world, obviously).  

So I’m diving in.  

Tony and I are actively trying to get pregnant.  I’ll start clomid as soon as my period shows.  

We technically stopped preventing in August.  The plan was to go with the flow and do nothing more than what “normal” (not previously infertile) people do.  I had a doctor’s appointment this month anyway, so we decided to move forward if nothing happened before 2009.  Well, nothing happened.  I’m not at all shocked by this since I honestly didn’t expect it to be easy.  I know people say that sometimes pregnancy “resets” your body and #2 might come easier, but I knew I wouldn’t be one of those lucky ones.  

It’s so different this time.  It’s not as frantic and all consuming.  I still feel a stab of jealousy whenever I see a pregnant person or a teeny newborn.  When someone shares their happy news, I wish it were me.  But I’m still so happy for them.  I already have what so many people are still praying for.  I’ve already been the luckiest person alive.  The thought of never getting to do it all again makes me heartbroken, but it would be so much worse without Eliana.  

I think the most frustrating thing right now is the way people around me are reacting to the clomid news.  Since it helped me get pregnant fairly easy with Eliana, everyone is acting like it’s my magic pill.  Like a couple months and OF COURSE I’ll be pregnant again.  I feel like people are minimizing it this time.  Last time there was a chance I would never ever get pregnant.  This time it seems no one sees that.  There is still a chance that I will never be able to get pregnant and I’m annoyed with people for acting like it’s not a possibilty.  

I’m so nervous about normal things too.  I’m not as worried about the things I worried about last time (mostly things I couldn’t change anyway) and I’m SO MUCH MORE worried about things I didn’t think much about the last time.  I clearly remember how tired I was last time and I clearly remember thinking “How do people do this with other children or jobs??”  And if I get pregnant again, I will have to do it and take care of a toddler.  That scares the crap outta me.  

Not to mention OMG 2 KIDS!!  I don’t know how to take care of 2 kids!  I only just barely figured out how to take care of my one.  And next time I won’t have Tony here all the time.  He’s been off this year, getting his Masters.  Soon he’ll have to go back to work.  He’ll probably be working super long hours (gone before kids wake up, home after bed).  I know people do it all the time, but I’ve never done it.  I’ve always had the back-up.  I know I’ll figure it out eventually (because I would have no other choice), but it’s rather daunting.

So for now I’m going to focus on getting pregnant.  I’ll worry about how to be a functioning pregnant person and how to parent 2 kids later, if I’m lucky enough to have to worry about it.