In a funk
And not in a good, head-bop kinda way.
**Do not read if you aren’t in the mood to be depressed and/or bored.
I don’t know. I’m sure it’s probably a combination of a lot of things going on right now and maybe I’ll start feeling better soon, but BAH! I haaaate feeling this way.
I’m thinking the big thing might be the clomid. I just took my last pill last night and this is round 3 of the TTC #2 roller coaster. Well, round 3 of clomid. I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. It’s taking longer than I’d hoped (not unexpected though). The mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, over-emotional CRAP that comes with it. I hate every single bit. It is wearing on me. I am eternally pessimistic when it comes to my own life, which usually works to my advantage since nothing is ever as bad as I think it will be. But even this is getting hard. I also have no idea what my doc will want to do if it doesn’t work this month. This will be 3 rounds at 50mg. I don’t know if she’ll want to bump up to 100mg, or do a bunch of retesting since I haven’t actually had any fertility testing done since I was TTC Eliana.
The big big issue with that is timing. We are moving at the end of the summer. I have very few months left to try to get pregnant before moving and having to go through the whole STUPID process of finding a doctor who is actually willing to help me, not to mention getting the referrals and unpacking and I really really really don’t want to have to put it off. AND! I love love love my doctor. The woman is so awesome. I wish she could deliver all my babies (even though she was on vacation when Eliana was born and didn’t deliver her).
And it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant and I’m jealous. Of course I’m happy for them and all the well wishes yay babies blah blah blah. But I’m sad for me.
Also, I’m completely unhappy with my physical self these days. I’m having a fat year. I’m unmotivated and lazy and I need someone to kick my ass into a gym, but I don’t have anyone. Well, I do. Just thousands of miles away. No help at all. I would do it myself, but alas, lazy. Excuses, excuses. I have a plan, but it doesn’t actually go into effect until we move. So for now I wallow and feel sorry for myself and dwell on the whole self-hatred thing and there it is.
And bored. Boring? Probably both. I feel like I do nothing all day because, honestly, there isn’t much to do around here. I can. not. WAIT to move!!!! It makes perfect sense, really. I have lived in this house longer than I have ever lived in any house ever in my entire life. My record is 2 years. We’ve been here for 2 years and 5 months and oh my god I can not rearrange my furniture one more time to make it new and exciting and different get me the hell out of here. And did I mention I hate the heat? I’m an autumn fan, myself. Cool days, light jacket = perfect. Hot Texas summer with the sweat and hot and bugs and stickiness? Notsomuch. Not that I haven’t really loved a lot about being here. In a way, I’ll be sad to leave. But I am definitely ready for a change. I want to get out and experience and do a live. Not sit on my ass and eat a vegetate and blah.
So there you go. I’m depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it and I’m just trying to get through.
rox said,
May 16, 2009 at 9:31 am
I hear ya. We’ve pretty much given up on ever having a baby and so many of my friends are pregnant. I want to be happy for them, but it’s been really difficult, especially when they all got pregnant so easily.
I took a different job five months ago and hate it. I didn’t know what I had at my last job. And to add insult to injury, I’ve gained 20 lbs since taking the job (combination of things, crazy hours, being in the suburbs and not walking as much as when I did with my city job, just plain being miserable).
So yeah, I hear ya on the funk.